Heart's Desire

There's a teaching on the Sweet Medicine SunDance Path called the Staffs of Power.  These are not physical objects, but types of maturity related to our aspects (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, soul force).  The very first one, the one upon which all the others are dependent, is related to our heart's desire - developing the ability to assume authority for it.

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

And yet, how many of us are actually good at it?  I know I'm not.  Perhaps I'm better than I used to be - almost certainly I'm better than I used to be.  But all kinds of things interfere with even knowing my heart's desire, much less assuming authority for it.

In fact, sometimes I don't think I really even know what "heart's desire" means.  Does it mean the thing I think will bring me happiness?  Something that I long for?  Something that will satisfy me in some way?  Something that will bring pleasure?  A relationship, perhaps?  (A Google search on "heart's desire" turns up a bridal shop, cross stitch shop, gift shop, among other things.) 

And there are so many aspects to desire - so many facets, different types and intensities, different directions of desire, which sometimes reinforce each other but often work against each other.

But maybe awareness of that tension is part of really knowing and assuming authority for my heart's desire.  As I've imagined it, this "assuming authority" thing would involve being aware of and responsible for what I truly desire - whether it is something I choose to act on or not.

As 2010 draws to a close, I'm looking back and reflecting.  It has been a year filled with changes and challenges. Some patterns I thought I had left behind me - this year especially related to work and food - have reappeared; at the same time, they have also shown me some new things about myself - for example, why I have developed such expertise at keeping people in my acquaintance circle rather than my friend circle.  And how habit combined with allowing pressure from others to guide my priorities keeps me quite distant from my own heart's desires.