Heart's Desire

There's a teaching on the Sweet Medicine SunDance Path called the Staffs of Power.  These are not physical objects, but types of maturity related to our aspects (emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, soul force).  The very first one, the one upon which all the others are dependent, is related to our heart's desire - developing the ability to assume authority for it.

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

And yet, how many of us are actually good at it?  I know I'm not.  Perhaps I'm better than I used to be - almost certainly I'm better than I used to be.  But all kinds of things interfere with even knowing my heart's desire, much less assuming authority for it.

In fact, sometimes I don't think I really even know what "heart's desire" means.  Does it mean the thing I think will bring me happiness?  Something that I long for?  Something that will satisfy me in some way?  Something that will bring pleasure?  A relationship, perhaps?  (A Google search on "heart's desire" turns up a bridal shop, cross stitch shop, gift shop, among other things.) 

And there are so many aspects to desire - so many facets, different types and intensities, different directions of desire, which sometimes reinforce each other but often work against each other.

But maybe awareness of that tension is part of really knowing and assuming authority for my heart's desire.  As I've imagined it, this "assuming authority" thing would involve being aware of and responsible for what I truly desire - whether it is something I choose to act on or not.

As 2010 draws to a close, I'm looking back and reflecting.  It has been a year filled with changes and challenges. Some patterns I thought I had left behind me - this year especially related to work and food - have reappeared; at the same time, they have also shown me some new things about myself - for example, why I have developed such expertise at keeping people in my acquaintance circle rather than my friend circle.  And how habit combined with allowing pressure from others to guide my priorities keeps me quite distant from my own heart's desires.

Rejuventation

I have been working (and working, and working - which is just wrong) on finding some balance in my life.  I have a darned good life - but sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed by it.  Often.  In fact, almost perpetually.  And this has been going on for several years now, intensifying each year.  Doesn't that sound charming?

Let's face it: there is just not much I do that I am willing to give up.  So I'm not going to achieve balance by making more time in my life.  In fact, I generally speaking would like to spend MORE time on each and every one of the things I already do. 

That's it's own challenge.  But the question of how to rejuvenate myself has become critical.

Here, in the US, we traditionally have several rejuvenation choices at our disposal: eating, sleeping, watching tv, taking a holiday or vacation, going out drinking/partying.  Some of those never worked for me; and now, none of them really do. 

I've been watching my energy levels as I go through my days, to see which of my activities leave me energized and which leave me drained. 

A good indicator - if a little late in the process - is checking in on how much hope I have.   Am I looking forward more than I was before to what's next, or to tomorrow, or to my next class or work task?  If so, whatever I just did brought some energy back into the system - good!  If not, if I'm dreading it and/or feeling like I don't have what it takes to get through it, then we have a problem.

I am surprised to see that some high-energy-output activites, like leading classes, are my current rejuvenators.  Go figure!

And I am curious: what do you find rejuvenates you these days?